I have never been good at having girl friends, or many friends at all. You could say that it’s better to have a few true friends than lots of friends, and I would agree. However, when you have almost no friends, that point is completely useless.
My anxiety has never allowed me to feel as though I am included. I always feel left out with any group I’m in. I’m very unnoticed as a person.
I was once told that I have trouble trusting people, which I suppose is true to some extent, but you can only be screwed over so many times before you decide that trying to trust people is just not worth the trouble.
When I was in elementary school, I felt like I had a lot of friends. I look back on it and realize I didn’t have a LOT of friends, but I had a few good friends, and a lot of people I liked, but we weren’t close. That was okay though because I had people I trusted.
Then came middle school. I know pretty much everyone hates middle school, but I could not have hated it more. I did not have a lot of people who liked me, and even those who I thought did, I didn’t feel close to. There were a few people that constantly betrayed me and treated me like dirt. I suppose that’s when I really started keeping people at a distance.
Of course, high school was next. I was friends with people, and even thought of a couple girls as my best friends, but I mostly liked my guy friends more. They were less judgmental, and just generally made me feel more comfortable. I still didn’t have anyone who I completely trusted.
After school, I was in a relationship for a long time. I trusted him, but I didn’t have any close friends that I completely trusted. The same goes for my life now.
Being told that you don’t trust people is an interesting thing. It kind of shocks you, and then makes you think about a lot of things. Were you always this way? If not, what made you stop trusting others? What is it that makes you not trust, or trust someone else? Why don’t I trust people? What is wrong with me that it is so easy for others to trust someone, but I can’t do it?
This is not always on my mind, but certain times it is. Like when I have something that is weighing on me, and I just wish I had another female to talk to. I love my fiance, and I talk to him about everything, but sometimes, you just need an outsider’s perspective. Someone you know and trust. But when you don’t have someone like that, someone you can trust about everything, it just feels lonely.
I just don’t want to be lonely.
I want to be included and have that connection.
I wish I knew how.