Friendship is a funny thing…

I have never been good at having girl friends, or many friends at all. You could say that it’s better to have a few true friends than lots of friends, and I would agree. However, when you have almost no friends, that point is completely useless.

My anxiety has never allowed me to feel as though I am included. I always feel left out with any group I’m in. I’m very unnoticed as a person.

I was once told that I have trouble trusting people, which I suppose is true to some extent, but you can only be screwed over so many times before you decide that trying to trust people is just not worth the trouble.

When I was in elementary school, I felt like I had a lot of friends. I look back on it and realize I didn’t have a LOT of friends, but I had a few good friends, and a lot of people I liked, but we weren’t close. That was okay though because I had people I trusted.

Then came middle school. I know pretty much everyone hates middle school, but I could not have hated it more. I did not have a lot of people who liked me, and even those who I thought did, I didn’t feel close to. There were a few people that constantly betrayed me and treated me like dirt. I suppose that’s when I really started keeping people at a distance.

Of course, high school was next. I was friends with people, and even thought of a couple girls as my best friends, but I mostly liked my guy friends more. They were less judgmental, and just generally made me feel more comfortable. I still didn’t have anyone who I completely trusted.

After school, I was in a relationship for a long time. I trusted him, but I didn’t have any close friends that I completely trusted. The same goes for my life now.

Being told that you don’t trust people is an interesting thing. It kind of shocks you, and then makes you think about a lot of things. Were you always this way? If not, what made you stop trusting others? What is it that makes you not trust, or trust someone else? Why don’t I trust people? What is wrong with me that it is so easy for others to trust someone, but I can’t do it?

This is not always on my mind, but certain times it is. Like when I have something that is weighing on me, and I just wish I had another female to talk to. I love my fiance, and I talk to him about everything, but sometimes, you just need an outsider’s perspective. Someone you know and trust. But when you don’t have someone like that, someone you can trust about everything, it just feels lonely.

I just don’t want to be lonely.

I want to be included and have that connection.

I wish I knew how.

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My life as an empath…

Unless you are a fellow empath, you cannot understand what it is like. How difficult it is to negotiate relationships in your life, any relationship (with a significant other, friend, colleague, family member). 

The phrase “it cuts like a knife,” is a constant feeling. A prick to some, feels like a knife to my heart. Just one word, means a million more than you think.  A cut that would be described as a centimeter, feels a mile wide to me. 

In being an empath, I have to keep most people and events out of my life, my viewpoint, off my brain. Otherwise, they can weigh on me like an elephant sitting on my shoulders. A simple shift in conversation, a tone, a look, all these things can hurt me more than others mean them to. 

I take every single thing to heart. I have had many people in my life tell me not to take things so personally, not to take them to heart. I have no other way to take things. 

I can remember when I was 15… 9/11 happened. I was devastated. I sat in front of the tv for hours, sobbing. It physically hurt me to watch all of those people in pain and to know everything they were going through. I had no idea at that time that there was a name for my superhuman emotions, but I know it now, and I still remember that day vividly. 

I often feel what someone is feeling whether I know them or not, whether I have personally gone through what they have gone through. I can feel their emotions coming out of them and it effects me, too. 

It is an exhausting life. A confusing one. A hurtful one. 

When you have no idea what people really mean or feel by these tiny changes in what they say or how they at them, you rarely know where you stand. It’s very difficult to navigate through life not knowing where people actually place you and where you feel as if you are.  

This is especially hard when you get dumped. By a friend, or anyone else. You are never sure of why and what happened. It just hurts so horribly. 

I suppose this is part of the reason I tend not to trust people. If I don’t let you in, you can’t hurt me when you go. And you will go, because my emotions will be too big for you. They are too big for everyone. 

They are too big for me.

Happy thoughts


Lately, I have been thinking about the future and where life will be heading. Everything I think of is a good path. 

I’m currently on summer break, which, if anyone knows me, is my absolute favorite time of the year. I do, however, enjoy the prospect of a new school year. This year, I’m in a *new* grade. I’ve taught it before, but it’s been a few years. I’m exciting about the prospect of new students to teach and new experiences to be had by all of us. I’m not ready to end my summer yet, but I am excited for things to come. 

I have an amazing daughter. Sam is my life, my love, my soul. That girl is my mini-me, and I love and hate every ounce of that. Haha. She has my sass, my attitude, and every bit of the strong emotions I have always had. We don’t do things halfway. She is also the most kind, sweet, smart, and adorable two-year-old I know. I love every bit of her with every bit of me and I cannot wait to watch her grow even more into the person she is becoming. It is bittersweet to watch your child grow up, but I am excited for her through the tears (of sadness and joy)! 

I have a wonderful- check that- amazing man in my life. He is kind, funny, intelligent, hard-working, strong, handsome, sweet… I could go on and on. He takes care of me, provides for me. He loves his daughter full force (as I do with mine) and loves mine like I could only hope for. We are engaged. We are going to get married. A baby has been a discussion. I am so deliriously happy and I owe it all to him. 

People say that life is hard. They’re not wrong… it takes work, dedication, and a want to make it great. Right now, it’s not hard. I mean, don’t get me wrong, there are hard days, like anyone would have, but overall, this life is something I could definitely get used to. 💙

The Second Time Around

Image result for it's never too late to live happily ever after

 

The second time around is a strange thing. It is happy, exciting, and wonderful. It is also awkward and uncomfortable.

Happy, exciting, and wonderful. You move on, you fall in love. Not only that, but you are older and more experienced and you know better what you want and what you NEED. You know what went wrong the first time and how to do things better this time. You are in a better place in life and can better figure things out.

Awkward and uncomfortable. It can be, at times. People treat you differently after a divorce. They act like you have some sort of disease, like they can catch it.

Milestones in relationships that were once filled with joy and announcements from others, are much less exciting for them now. Even with those who care about you. Moving in together, getting engaged, announcing a pregnancy all now come with a veil of boredom and unconcern from others.

I was in love in my marriage. It didn’t work out. It sometimes doesn’t. We had a beautiful, special, amazing little girl as a result and I will never regret it. At some point, we got lazy, began taking each other for granted, and our lives were taking us to different places. It ended. Many people had opinions and discussions (I’m sure), but it is what it is. We get along now just as well as we did then, only now we are happy in our subsequent relationships. I believe that we are happy for each other.

I am in love. Deeply, truly, head-over-heels in love. I have been with this man for less than two years, but I feel like we have known each other for a lifetime. I have never had someone know me so well, better than I know myself. He is kind, handsome, funny, intelligent, and treats me better than I could ask for. I do everything I can to make him happy, and he does the same. We are one.

There were no celebrations when we moved in together, and will be none for our engagement. We are headed down the same marriage and baby path that we would be if this were our first marriage, but this will all be different.

Sometimes I worry about it. Sometimes it upsets me. I know, however, that whatever path we are on, we are together and we love each other, so it doesn’t matter if other people want to acknowledge it. We are in love. Our girls are happy. We are happy. So if I am excited, I will be, and no one else’s opinion will sway my happiness.

The way you see me…


I have often wondered in my life how others see me, have you? Maybe you don’t care, maybe you’re above their opinions. I would just like to know. 

He tells me that I’m beautiful everyday. Every. Day. I want to believe him, but I just don’t see it. I often joke with him that others are prettier than I am, or that he and I must be looking at two different people, but he tells me every day that I’m beautiful. 

When I had my baby girl, I had reverse body dysmorphia. I woke up every day (almost) with the thought that I looked good that day, no matter what I actually looked like, because I knew I looked good. I was more confident and much happier with my appearance, especially when compared to everyday life before and after the pregnancy. 

Every day when I look at that little girl, I tell her that she is beautiful. She IS beautiful. Strangers tell us, friends tell us, and I know because I see her. 

The problem then comes in when I’m told she looks like me. She cannot possibly look like me and be as beautiful as I know that she is. But I suppose, that this is where my issues come in. Issues that I never want this beautiful girl to have. Issues that I wish I didn’t. 

I cannot take a compliment. It has been said to me quite a few times by guys I have known in my life. They’re absolutely right. I can’t. When people compliment me, I either have nothing to say and it becomes incredibly awkward for me, I make some snarky or sarcastic comment back to them, or I just say thank you and move on. The last one though is usually reserved for people I don’t know well. 
All of my rambling comes down to this: 

I just wish I could see me the way he sees me. Even if only for a short time.

What keeps you going…

There are a few things at my job that truly make me happy there. My coworkers are great people who do great things every day (even when we don’t feel like we do). When my kids finally get that moment where you see their brains click on to a concept. When you have a special child who warms your heart. 

I had a horrible couple of days this week. Wednesday was rough, Thursday was even worse. My admin and I were brainstorming solutions, and I’m hoping they at least help with what’s going on. 

Then there were two things this week that really stood out for me. 

One, after a rough day on Wednesday, Thursday morning I received the pictured note from one of the better behaved kids in the class. She is sweet as pie and I love her (as I love most of them). She was so excited to give me this note and it was honestly just what I needed to get through the day. I also found out on Thursday that a student I had in the beginning of the year, who was a favorite of mine (just kidding, we don’t have favorites, but we actually do) was coming back to our school. So that brings me to Friday morning. 

I am reorganizing my desk during breakfast and I see someone come over out of the corner of my eye. I hear this little voice say, “Hi, Ms. Young!” I look over and there is M and her mom. I was so happy to see her. Mom and I talked for a minute and she told me that when she told M they were moving back, she said, “Does that mean I get to go back to Ms. Young’s class?!” I was so happy in that moment. It was exactly what I needed to hear. 

People hear my stories of what happens in my school and in my classroom. How the students treat me, what has gone on. They ask me often, ‘why do you stay?’ ‘Why do you keep doing that to yourself?’ ‘Why don’t you find another job somewhere else?’ Or they say things like ‘I would never put up with that.’ 

I get it. There are many days where I say I want to quit. That I’m done. Can’t do it anymore. But I continue to go every day. 

You want to know why? Look at that picture. Think about the fact that M was SO excited to come back to MY class. 

Yes, most days, the bad outweighs the good. But the good is the reason that we are there and why we keep going. 

I thought of you today…

My grandfather was a great man. There are many great men in this world, and he was one. 

He was a hard worker. He was in the Army. He moved for his country and served his time. He moved halfway across the state with his wife for work. He worked for the same company for his whole life. He retired with them. When he wasn’t working, he was working on things at home. Cutting the grass, washing his car or truck, building things in his basement wood shop, planting his garden, taking care of his kids and grandkids. 

He was a family man. He raised four children, who gave him five grandchildren, and he had one great-grandchild. He was always there for us, no matter what we needed. 

It has been over 5 months since he has been gone. I think of him every day in some way. I miss him every day. Days like today, however, are the worst days. The days I’m not expecting it. Walking through Costco and seeing pistachios. A jar of pistachios that I will not be buying this year, for the very first time. Things like that are the hardest things for me. Just thinking about it is making me cry. I have no idea how I held it together in the store today. No idea. 

Whenever you miss someone, those are the hardest moments. No matter why you miss them, no matter what the loss is. When you see something that reminds you of them that you in no way expected to see. When you are abushed in the middle of a store. 

I know it may never be easier. It may always be this way. I was very close to my grandfather. I also feel emotions very deep. I feel cut and hurt more strongly than others. I also know that while it may never get easier, I can only get stronger. I cannot control everything. I can only control how I deal with it. 

I need to be stronger. 

I need to remember the happy times. 

It will all be okay. 

It’s been a while…

Anxiety. That can be such a scary word for some people. Scary for those who don’t understand it, and also scary for those who do.

I occasionally have almost debilitating anxiety. It can come from having to do something I don’t want to. It can come from having to be social. It can come from being alone. It can come from work. It can come from special occasions. Life changes. My daughter. My love. Separation from those I love. Anger. 

Recently, I had one of the most horrible episodes with anxiety that I have ever had. I had a complete panic attack and I had absolutely nothing to help me cope. I had no medication with me. I was at work, so I could not remove myself from the situation. I don’t have a ‘normal’ job. One in an office or somewhere that I only count on myself. I have 26 little people that count on me for their entire day. I had nowhere to go. I freaking out and I had no escape. 

When I have no escape, my anxiety gets progressively worse. There are many times that I can calm myself, breathe, and try to focus elsewhere to get my anxiety to subside. 

This time, it just continued to get worse. 

I have no idea how to even explain anxiety or a panic attack to someone who has never experienced it. You hear cliche things, like it feels like an elephant standing on your chest, you can’t breathe, etc. Honestly though, it can be so much more than that. 

There are days that I am so anxious that nothing I do can calm me down. I try everything I know to do and it still doesn’t work. 

My daughter being sick is a trigger for me. Her happiness is all I want and if I feel that there is anything off, my anxiety takes over. 

My love can be a trigger for me. If I feel that anything might be wrong with him, my anxiety goes haywire. 

My friends and family can trigger me. Between being an empath and having anxiety issues, whenever the slightest change occurs, I am always thinking the absolute worst. 

My job can definitely trigger me. It is taxing and difficult and exhausting and stressful. All of which can cause my anxiety to act up. 

If you don’t have these issues, I know you cannot understand. I know you don’t know how sometimes I just cannot function. I know you don’t know how I sometimes seem like I am losing my grasp on real life. I might be, but it is something that I try to work on each and every day. I try to fight it. I try to control it. Sometimes though, I cannot keep it contained. Sometimes, it takes over like a wild animal. I just wish there was something I could do to knock it down. 

Love

I have been with this man for essentially an entire year. He makes me laugh, takes care of me, and has shown me what true happiness is again. 

I was with my husband for a long time, almost 11 years. The previous statement about happiness is not meant to diss him in any way. He made me happy for a long time. We ended up wanting different things and that caused unhappiness between us. We both were at fault for things, and I would never put the blame solely on him. We are raising our daughter as co-parents and are both in new relationships and we are both very happy. I love that we can work well together as parents and are both moved on and happy. It’s truly the best thing for our daughter. 

As I was saying, I am incredibly happy. This man treats me exactly how I know I should be treated. We want the same things. We are moving forward in life together. 

We are broke, but we are happy. We are sometimes frustrated with things in life, but we love each other and we go through it together. 

He looks at me like I amaze him, like I am beyond beautiful. I have always wanted someone who just wanted me, and he does. 

I can not describe how much I love him or how happy I am when he is there. He is just everything. 

I can only hope that my daughter some day finds a person that makes her feel the way I do. 

Moments

The other day, my mom sent me this quote from the book she was reading and said that it reminded her of me. 

“A key moment. That’s the moment when everything changes. There’s before, and then after. And once a key moment occurs, there’s no going back to before. You make a choice, and it’s like ringing a bell. You can’t unring it. A key moment is a feeling. Your heart tells you.” 

Moments can be big, or small. They can be important and life altering, or can go by unnoticed. 

But they are all there and they can change anything with the blink of an eye. 

A key moment in my life happened just about a year ago. 

I chose to change my life. I chose to follow what my heart said was right for me and my baby, and not worry about my head. 

My anxiety takes over me. It makes me cry more than I should, over-think every single thing in my life. But this time last year, I had a key moment. 

I am incredibly happy. I could have kept things status quo and continued on, but I knew that my daughter needed more. She needed happiness and a role model, and that is what I intend to be for her. 

I am the farthest from perfect that you can get. Mistakes have been made, rebellions occurred, struggles ensued. However, I will forever do everything for her, and that makes me someone for her to look up to. 

That key moment. That moment when you realize your job makes you miserable and it’s time to leave. That moment when you realize that things don’t work anymore. That moment when you see clearly for what seems like the first time. 

My moment was about my marriage. That key moment was when I said that I needed to be separate from my husband. We both knew what I meant. We both knew I wasn’t coming back. 

Things had become too difficult for me, and it was no longer conducive to my life. I had my baby and my puppy, but I needed him too, and he couldn’t be what I needed. 

I am a needy person. I need attention from those I love and I am close to, but only on my terms. 

This was not his fault. It was ours. We took things for granted in each other, and I think we are now better people for it. 

A key moment. I met my new love for the first time. 

I was searching for something in my life. Something to hang on to, something to invest in, something to make me believe in all the things I know can be true. I never expected to find what I found. 

We met at happy hour with co-workers. It was completely innocent. Just joking around, seeing that we should be friends. 

That key moment, that friendship, changed my whole world. 

Two key moments in my life in a very short amount of time. It was life-altering and world-changing, and I would never try to change it.  

I love my life in key moments. 

Separation. New relationship. My baby was born. Adoption of my fur baby. My teaching job. College. 

All of these things make me who I am, and they are all key moments that I am happy to remember. 

Key moments are what makes our life worth living, and I intend to continue living it.